COUNTESS
God of love, restore him to me,
Ease my sorrow, my grieving sigh.
If he will no longer woo me,
Oh, in mercy let me die!
RECITATIVE
(Susanna enters.)
COUNTESS
Come in, my dear ,
and finish this mornings story.
SUSANNA
Thats all there is.
COUNTESS
So he tried to seduce you...
SUSANNA
Oh, his lordship...
he pays me the compliment
of pretending Im attractive.
Im sure Im just a matter of pride to him.
COUNTESS
But its clear he doesnt love me!
SUSANNA
Then why is he so jealous of you?
COUNTESS
Thats how all modern husbands are these days:
systematically unfaithful, brilliant rationalizers,
and out of vanity insanely jealous.
But your Figaro loves you,
and if one man can...
(Figaro enters singing.)
SUSANNA
Figaro, come here, sweety,
Madamas been waiting.
FIGARO
Whats to worry?
She should leave this alone
since after all its nothing
his lordship takes a fancy to my fiancée,
and thats as good a reason as anyone needs to...
to restore his feudal options.
Its perfectly possible
and even natural.
COUNTESS
Possible?
SUSANNA
Natural??
FIGARO
Oh, very natural.
And if Susanna says so, very possible.
SUSANNA
Youd better come to a point soon.
FIGARO
That is the point.
Hes already appointed me as diplomat courier,
and our Susanna as the secret adviser to the embassy.
And since she keeps refusing the honor
clearly meant to be her destiny,
he thinks he might support old Marcellina,
and thats the deal in a nutshell.
SUSANNA
You have some nerve to joke about this!
Its no laughing matter!
FIGARO
Not a problem
if Im thinking while Im laughing.
So heres our project:
Basilio has found a letter,
which Im sure the Count will love,
says during the costume party,
there will be a nice meeting between you and your lover!
COUNTESS
O heavens! What are you saying?
You know hes a jealous madman!
FIGARO
Thats even better we can embarrass him even faster,
keep him busy, keep him running,
just keep him totally rattled,
his mind full of suspicions,
forever checking closets and under beds,
never knowing what is going on all around him
And then tonight we'll spring our little trap.
By then we'll already've gotten married
And you will have him back where you say you want him.
SUSANNA
Perhaps, but what about your fiancée Marcellina?
FIGARO
No, listen! What if he hears through the grapevine,
you are ready to meet him in the garden this evening?
Our little Cherubino, who hasnt left
because I told him not to,
well put him in your costume and send him
to the garden for this meeting.
And out of all this lunacy,
well find the Count surprised by Madama
and awakened to see his own folly.
COUNTESS
(to Susanna)
What do you think?
SUSANNA
It could work...
COUNTESS
Our situation...
SUSANNA
And if he will fall for it...
But is there time?
FIGARO
Hes gone hunting this morning;
thatll keep him busy for at least a couple of hours.
Im going, and Ill send Cherubino straight over.
You can have fun making him a lady.
COUNTESS
And then?
FIGARO
And then...
(Sings)
Dance with me Count and youll learn a new tango,
such a fandango you never have known!
(Exits.)
COUNTESS
How embarrassing, Susanna,
that this boy should have heard my husband
destroying his own reputation.
You cant imagine...
Why didnt he approach me and request help for himself?
And what about this song?
SUSANNA
Here it is. Lets be mean and make him sing it for us.
Hold onsomeones hereits him!
(Cherubino enters.)
Report for duty, Signor Capitano!
CHERUBINO
Dont call me that!
Its not something I wanted.
And it reminds me I have to leave my patroness,
one who is famed for her goodness.
SUSANNA
And also beauty.
CHERUBINO
Oh, yes, for sure.
SUSANNA
Oh, yes, for sure.
You little hypocrite! The poem you were reading,
just this morning, remember?
Madama wants you to sing it.
COUNTESS
But whos the author?
SUSANNA
Oh, look now, it seems his rosy cheeks
are turning even pinker!
What's the matter now, you little stinker?
CHERUBINO
This makes me really nervous.
But if Madama wants me...
SUSANNA
She does, sir, she does,
so sing your song now.
CHERUBINO
Ladies, confide in me, from where is love?
Is it inside me, is it above?
I do not understand, Im so new at this:
Should I try holding hands, should I try to kiss?
Each new emotion spins me around,
Too much commotion, now not a sound.
Freezing, my soul burns, bursting into flame,
Fire, ice both take their turns, Loves shameful game
I seek Loves blessingbut from whom?
Love keeps me guessing is Love in bloom?
I sigh and moan a lotI don’t know why
I cry alone a lotI want to die!
There is no peace for me, night time or day,
but Loves increase for me, for that I pray.
Ladies, confide in me, what shall I do?
Teach me to understand how Love is true..
I want to understand how Love is true.
RECITATIVE
COUNTESS
Bravo! A lovely voice!
Who knew that you were such a good singer?
SUSANNA
Not only that, but everything he does,
he does well. And now, handsome soldier,
Figaro told you all?
CHERUBINO
I think Ive got it.
SUSANNA
Lets see how this will work...
This should be okay...
were about the same height here.
(or: we can squeeze the dress on you.)
Lets get started.
COUNTESS
In here?
SUSANNA
No reason not to...
COUNTESS
But what if someone comes in?
SUSANNA
Let them! Its not an orgy.
For you, well lock the door.
Now, what are we going to do with his hair?
COUNTESS
One of my wigs from the dressing room will do.
Quickly!
(Susanna goes into the dressing room. The Countess finds Cherubinos commission sticking out of his jacket pocket.)
Whats this, a love note?
CHERUBINO
My commission.
COUNTESS
Such efficiency! Unheard of!
CHERUBINO
Basilio brought it to me.
COUNTESS
(handing it back to him)
In his hurry, my lord the Count forgot to sign it.
SUSANNA
(Reenters with dress and wig.)
He forgot to sign what?
COUNTESS
This boys commission.
SUSANNA
Good gracious, what a rush job!
Here is the wig.
COUNTESS
Lets hurrywhile we have time.
It would be just my luck if the Count were to show up.
SUSANNA
Come, kneel in this vicinity,
and stay there, do not move.
Well plan your femininity
Bravo! Yes, I approve!
Now lets begin our lavishing
olá, a dress on loan, from me a dress on loan.
Turn this-a-way, turn that-a-way
Youre absolutely ravishing!
Madamas stunned as stone!
Well hide your muscularity
that husky baritone
forgive my familiarity
Madama, did you groan?
Stay very still now, don’t make it hard for me,
Now, look at meBravo!
Lets tighten up this lacing
(or: That hemline should be higher)
A girl could not be finer
Your eyesmore self-effacing
(or: Your eyesthey should be shyer)
A pity hes a minor,
Well get him when hes grown.
Just look at his complexion,
Adoniss reflection
Is anyone as sexy?
Hell give you apoplexy,
his waistline is so slender,
his glances are so tender,
his hair, his eyes, his shoulder,
it makes a woman bolder
So when the girls get you alone,
theyll want you for their own.
RECITATIVE
COUNTESS
What a lot of nonsense!
SUSANNA
Im even jealous of him now myself.
Hey, little serpent, who told you
youre allowed to be so pretty?
COUNTESS
Lets finish this insanity!
We need to raise that sleeve up
towards his shoulder
That way, the dress should fit more smoothly
and help with his movement.
SUSANNA
Hows this?
COUNTESS
Up closerlike that.
Is that my ribbon?
SUSANNA
He stole it just this morning.
COUNTESS
And whats this bloodstain?
CHERUBINO
That bloodstain...
I dont know how... but I slipped in the hall
on a slick spot... I scratched myself on a corner.
So I bound the abrasion with this ribbon.
SUSANNA
Let me see... Its okay
but look herehis arm is smoother than mine is,
perfectly lovely!
COUNTESS
Ive told you, stop this playing!
Go to my dressing room
and get me that bottle of mercurochrome.
(Susanna goes out.)
As for the ribbon... Id hate to lose it.
Its one... one of my favorites
one of my favorite colors...
SUSANNA
(reenters)
Heres the bottle...
How will we hide his booboo?
COUNTESS
Go get a bandaidThat will do just as well.
(Susanna exits)
CHERUBINO
Ah, the ribbon would have healed me faster.
COUNTESS
Howso? Why not a bandaid?
CHERUBINO
Because the ribbon...
its tied the hair...
or touched the skin of one...
of one who...
COUNTESS
So it has miraculous healing powers?
Whod have guessed it?
Its full of magic I had not suspected!
CHERUBINO
Madamas laughing...
and I must leave her presence!
COUNTESS
Poor boy, how unhappy!
CHERUBINO
Im miserable!
COUNTESS
Youre crying?
CHERUBINO
Oh God, why cant I quickly perish?
Then, as the breath departed my body,
these lips would get the courage...
COUNTESS
Are you crazy?
Have you lost your senses?
(There is knocking at the door.)
Whos knocking at my door?
COUNT
Whys this door locked?
COUNTESS
Ah, my husband!
Oh heavens! Im finished!
And you without your pants on!
Dont take the dress off!
He got that note from Figaro!
Theres no telling what hell do now!
COUNT
Whats taking so long?
COUNTESS
No, Im alone!
I mean... Im alone, yes!
COUNT
Who are you talking to?
COUNTESS
To you, dear, thats all, just to you!
CHERUBINO
Oh my God, this is awful!
Ive to hide here!
(Hides in closet.)
Protect me from my master!
COUNTESS
How will we survive this incredible disaster?
(She locks the closet, throws Cherubinos clothes out the window, then lets the Count in.)
COUNT
Well, this is newsince when do you lock
all the doors to your chambers?
COUNTESS
Thats right... but I was...
I just thought Id try on some...
COUNT
Youd try on some...?
COUNTESS
Some recent ballgowns!
And Susanna was here helping,
but she went into her own room.
COUNT
At any rate, you dont seem altogether peaceful.
(Shows her the letter.)
Here, look at this and read it.
COUNTESS
(Heavens! Its Figaros misbegotten letter!)
(Cherubino promptly knocks something over in the closet.)
COUNT
Wait! Did you hear that racket in there?
It sounded like something fell in your closet!
COUNTESS
I didnt hear a thing!
COUNT
You must have something distracting your attention.
COUNTESS
Like what?
COUNT
Someone is in there!
COUNTESS
Who on earth could it be, then?
COUNT
Oh, you tell meI only just arrived here.
COUNTESS
Of course, Susanna, shes in there.
COUNT
Didnt you just say she went into her own room?
COUNTESS
Into her own room... or in there...
I didnt notice.
COUNT
Susanna...
so why would you be upset about this matter?
COUNTESS
(Forcing a laugh.)
You mean my own maid?
COUNT
Im sure I dont know,
but youre upset about something.
COUNTESS
I think this girl has upset you
far more than she ever has me!
COUNT
You think Im upset?
Want to see upset?
Just watch me!
COUNT
Susanna, you come out now
I expect you to obey!
COUNTESS
She cannot come... right out, now,
therell be a small delay.
SUSANNA
Why do they yell and shout now?
The pageboys run away?
COUNT
Whos there? don’t keep me guessing!
COUNTESS
Its just that... its just her... modesty!
Thats it: shes in there dressing,
as any fool can see.
COUNT
Its clear that shes confessing,
her lovers tucked away.
COUNTESS
This cant get more distressing,
my brains in disarray.
SUSANNA
My laughter Im suppressing,
lets watch this little play.
COUNT
Susanna!
COUNTESS
She cannot come!
COUNT
Youre coming out now!
COUNTESS
Stay in there!
COUNT
Come out now!
COUNTESS
She cannot come!
COUNT
You must obey!
COUNTESS
I think shed better stay!
COUNT
Well, why is she so quiet?
Susanna, answer me now.
COUNTESS
No, no, no, no, no, never!
I order you, be silent!
Be silent! Be silent!
COUNT
My dearest wife, consider,
a scandals immorality
can be avoided here.
SUSANNA
Oh, geez, hes going to hit her!
A scandalous brutality
seems definitely near!
COUNTESS
My husband dear, consider,
a scandals immorality
can be avoided here.
COUNT
Think carefully!
COUNTESS
Think carefully!
SUSANNA
Oh, heavens, its getting hairy,
a scandalous brutality
that cannot be ignored.
COUNT
My dearest wife, think carefully,
a scandals immorality
is what were heading toward.
COUNTESS
My husband, dear, think carefully,
a scandals immorality
is what were heading toward.
RECITATIVE
COUNT
So, you wont unlock this closet?
COUNTESS
And why should I submit myself to such indignity?
COUNT
Well, then, no problem
well just use force to open it.
Hey, people!
COUNTESS
Stop it!
Youre willing to expose your folly to all our household?
COUNT
Youre right there. I panicked.
I can certainly solve this
without dragging the servants into it,
which would be a pity.
Ill go and get a crowbar.
You can wait for me here
on second thought, maybe you should come and go with me.
And to make sure, well just lock this door behind us.
COUNTESS
This is a nightmare!
COUNT
Now, if you dont mind, madame,
lets go and look for our crowbar
so take my arm and well gotogether.
COUNTESS
Together...
COUNT
Susanna, dont go away now: well come and get you.
(They exit, locking the door.)
SUSANNA
Come out of Madames closet,
come out, its just Susanna,
Get out now, get out now,
get while the goings good!
CHERUBINO
Oh God, what a predicament,
this isnt looking good!
SUSANNA
Don’t stand there like a ninny!
That way, that way!
This way, this way!
SUSANNA, CHERUBINO
The door cannot be opened,
Hes locked the door, were going to die.
CHERUBINO
Ill go back to the closet!
SUSANNA
Hell kill you if he finds you!
CHERUBINO
Hell kill me if he finds me!
Hey, what about this window?
It opens on the garden!
SUSANNA
Don’t do it, Cherubino!
Don’t do it, for my sake!
CHERUBINO
A vase or two of flowers,
thats all that I could break...
SUSANNA
Its much too high to jump here,
don’t do it, for my sake!
CHERUBINO
I cant hide in the closet,
hell kill me if he finds me...
SUSANNA
Its much too high to jump here,
don’t do it, for my sake!
CHERUBINO
Let me go!
I would run through fire
to save her sacred honor
Oh, take my kisses to her!
Addio! And here I go!
SUSANNA
Hell kill himself for certain!
Hell kill himself, I know!
RECITATIVE
SUSANNA
Look at the little devilhes already halfway over the horizon!
Let me get in the closetno time for hesitating.
When that bully returns, Ill be there waiting.
(She hides in the closet. The Count and Countess reenter.)
COUNT
Its all just as we left it
so will you open it yourself, or shall I...
shall I force it?
COUNTESS
Ah, no, hold on!
Listen to me just a moment
Do you really think I could...
lose my honor like that?
COUNT
Say whatever you like,
Im going in that closet
to see whos hiding there.
COUNTESS
Sure, yes, you will see, then,
but listen to me calmly...
COUNT
So its not your Susanna?
COUNTESS
Notheres no easy way to tell you
how this all happened
your suspicions are so rank!
See, for this evening,
just an innocent prank
youll see, youll just die laughing
I swear its nothing!
On my honor! As you see!
COUNT
Who is it?? Tell me!!
And then Ill kill him!
COUNTESS
Just listenAh, I cant speak!
COUNT
No, tell me!
COUNTESS
Just a boy...
COUNT
Just a boy?
COUNTESS
Yes... Cherubino...
COUNT
Why is it my destiny
to be confronted by that boy everywhere?
Hello! Hasnt he left yet?
Little bastard!
Oh, I see your conspiracy all against me
Hes your young lover!
Now the letters convinced me!
COUNT
Now, you sneaky little bastard,
make it fast or pay the price!
COUNTESS
Ah, such fury Are you sure he
For my sake you should think twice.
COUNT
Youre still trying to finesse it?
Youre still trying to finesse it!
COUNTESS
No, just listen
COUNT
Just confess it!
COUNTESS
No, just listen
COUNT
Just confess it!
COUNTESS
Heaven help me with its best care!
How youll find him, I cant express it
in his boxers, and his chest bare...
COUNT
In his boxers?? And his chest bare??
And Im excessive??
COUNTESS
Were disguising him discreetly!
COUNT
Oh, I understand completely!
Youre the blot upon my life!
COUNTESS
Your behavior is an outrage
to the honor of your wife!
COUNT
Hand it over!
COUNTESS
That boy is blameless!
And you know it!
COUNT
I know one thing:
Go, and leave my sight this instant,
you unholy, faithless woman,
youre an absolute disgrace.
COUNTESS
Ill go... yes... but...
COUNT
Im not listening!
COUNTESS
But...
COUNT
Im not listening!
COUNTESS
Im not guilty!
COUNT
Your face betrays you!
First, Ill kill him, and with pleasure,
little bastards going to die!
COUNTESS
Jealous rages without measure,
they will blow us all sky-high!
COUNT
(opens the closet)
Susanna!
COUNTESS
Susanna!
SUSANNA
My lord, sir?
Whats this drooping sword, sir?
Youll need a firm grip, sir,
if youre going to rip, sir,
the pageboy before you,
the one in the chair.
COUNT
My head spins before me,
its all in mid-air.
COUNTESS
This cant be the story,
Susanna was there!
SUSANNA
They don’t know the story,
theyre all unaware.
COUNT
Its empty?
SUSANNA
Go figure, if no one was there.
COUNT
Well see then, if someone is there.
(Count exits into closet.)
COUNTESS
Susanna, where is he?
Im dying from worry!
SUSANNA
He left in a hurry,
hes safe now, I swear.
(The Count re-enters.)
COUNT
Mistakes have been made here.
Its all so bizarre.
If Ive been offensive,
forgive me, my darling,
but never play a joke on me,
or catch me unaware!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Behavior like yours
would be punished anywhere!
COUNT
I love you!
COUNTESS
Don’t say it!
COUNT
I swear it!
COUNTESS
Youre lying!
Im faithless, unholy,
I live to disgrace you!
COUNT
Please help me, Susanna,
to make her forget.
SUSANNA
Suspicions like yours
bring unending regret.
COUNTESS
The way that you treat me,
to tell me you love me,
and now try to cheat me
to pay off your debt!
COUNT
Please help me, Susanna,
to make her forget.
SUSANNA
Suspicions like yours
bring unending regret.
Signora!
COUNT
Rosina!
COUNTESS
You heartless
That girl lives no longer!
Im now just an object,
no longer Rosina,
abandoned and cherished
no more than a pet.
COUNT, SUSANNA
Confused and repentant,
already tormented,
have pity, forbear!
COUNTESS
Youre heartless!
To be so resented,
my soul cannot bear!
COUNT
The boy in the closet?
COUNTESS
Was just our provoking!
COUNT
The trembling, the nervousness?
COUNTESS
Was our little joking!
COUNT
This note from anonymous??
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Thats Figaros letter,
delivered by Basilio!
COUNT
Son of a bitch! Hed better...
SUSANNA, COUNT
You wont be forgiven
unless you forgive!
COUNT
Well, then, Ill forgive him,
and well call it even
Rosina is my goddess
who for love hears my prayer.
COUNTESS
My goodness (We women), Susanna
were far too soft-hearted
if wives cant stay angry,
why should husbands care?
SUSANNA
With husbands, signora,
we tremble, we flutter,
we still get our way
and theyre still unaware.
COUNT
Please look at me!
COUNTESS
Ungrateful!
COUNT
Please look at me!
COUNTESS
Ungrateful!
COUNT
Please look at me!!!
Im sorry, Im repenting
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT
Theres nothing preventing
complete understanding
and love everywhere.
(Figaro enters.)
FIGARO
My lordship, were waiting
to start celebrating.
The dance band is tuning,
the singers are crooning,
and all of your peasants
are bringing their presents
correctly expecting the bride to appear.
COUNT
Hold on, keep it steady.
FIGARO
The bridesmaids are ready!
COUNT
Hold on, now,
I need you to give me some info
as long as youre here.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
Im thinking were sinking,
disaster is near.
COUNT
Acutely, astutely,
I must persevere.
Can you tell me, Signor Figaro,
what this letters all about?
FIGARO
I know nothing, I know nothing.
SUSANNA
You know nothing?
FIGARO
No.
COUNTESS
You know nothing?
FIGARO
No.
COUNT
You know nothing?
FIGARO
No.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT
You know nothing?
FIGARO
No, no, no!
SUSANNA
Didnt you give it to Basilio?
COUNTESS
To deliver?
COUNT
You remember?
FIGARO
No, I don’t, no, I don’t.
SUSANNA
You remember, handsome lover...
COUNTESS
...secret meeting in the garden?
COUNT
Get the picture?
FIGARO
No, I don’t, and I wont!
COUNT
Cease your lame, inane excuses!
Your own face itself accuses,
absolutely insincere.
FIGARO
My face lies, cause Im not lying.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
You had just as well admit it,
this time you have been outwitted,
we have made our secrets clear.
COUNT
Whats your answer?
FIGARO
Nothing, nothing.
COUNT
Arent you guilty?
FIGARO
Don’t admit it.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Its all over now, you idiot,
no more comic atmosphere!
FIGARO
If the comedy is over,
its the ending were forgetting:
its time to have the wedding,
just like Twelfth Night by Shakespeare.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
Come, Signor, its customary,
You extraordinary peer.
COUNT
Marcellina, Marcellina,
Why the hell are you not here?
(Antonio enters, drunk.)
ANTONIO
Ah, Signor, Signor!
COUNT
Whats the matter?
ANTONIO
Look at this, who would do this, ah, who?
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT, FIGARO
Oh my god, tell us all, what has happened?
ANTONIO
Listen to me!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT, FIGARO
Were listening to you!
ANTONIO
From the balcony over the garden,
People throw all their trash without thinking,
But now while I was standing there drinking,
Someone threw a whole man into view!
(or, Came a man flying right into view!)
COUNT
From this window??
ANTONIO
Just look at these geraniums!
COUNT
In the garden?
ANTONIO
Si!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Figaro, think now!
COUNT
What the hell now?
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
He may cause a stink now
Why allow such a hullaballoo?
COUNT
So this manI cant thinkthis is stunning!
ANTONIO
Down he jumped, then the bastard was running,
He ran faster than I could pursue.
SUSANNA
Cherubino...
FIGARO
I know, I was watching,
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
COUNT
Whats with you?
ANTONIO
Whyre you laughing?
FIGARO
Youre as drunk as a skunk in a stew!
COUNT
Lets get back to our interview...
A man from the window?
ANTONIO
From the window.
COUNT
In the garden?
ANTONIO
Yes, I think so.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
But, Signor, you can smell him, hes stinko!
COUNT
Keep on talking, keep on talking!
D you see what he looked like?
ANTONIO
No, I didnt.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Olá! Figaro, listen!
COUNT
No?
ANTONIO
Sure didnt.
FIGARO
You big crybaby, now pay attention,
Over nothing youre causing a riot
Since it obviously cant be kept quiet,
It was I who jumped into view!
COUNT, ANTONIO
What, you did it?
FIGARO
Yes, its true.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
The mans such a genius!
COUNT
The thing doesnt figure...
ANTONIO
How did you get to be so much bigger?
No, you looked not so big, sort of small.
FIGARO
Ah, thats how people look when they fall.
ANTONIO
Yeah, who says so?
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Why is he such a killjoy?
COUNT
Wait, go back there!
ANTONIO
He looked more like the pageboy...
COUNT
Cherubin!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Curse and damn you! Curse and damn you!
FIGARO
I don’t think so, I don’t think so,
Cherubino is safely on horseback,
On his way to Seviglia, of course.
ANTONIO
Don’t be stupid, I think Id have noticed
If he jumped out of here on a horse.
COUNT
Give me patience!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Oh, my god!
COUNT
Surrounded by fruitcakes!
(or, Lets end all this nonsense!)
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Will this day never end?
COUNT
So, then you...
FIGARO
Jumped on through...
COUNT
Ah, but why?
FIGARO
Utter fear.
COUNT
Utter fear?
FIGARO
Its amusing
I came in for Susanna, to get her,
Then the sounds of impending intrusion
You were shoutingI thought of the letter
So I jumped out of fear and confusion...
And I pulled all the... things... in my... knee...
(He limps unconvincingly about.)
ANTONIO
So this paper I found in the garden,
Did you lose it?
COUNT
Olá! Give that to me!
FIGARO
What a predicament, what a predicament!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Figaro, think fast, Figaro, think fast!
COUNT
Well, look here! Whats this paper we see?
FIGARO
Just a minute, Im thinking, therere so many...
ANTONIO
Its a list of the money you owe people!
FIGARO
No, a list of your taverns!
COUNT
Keep talking, and you leave us now.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
Leave us now, get going!
ANTONIO
I will leave, but youd better not cross me!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT
Out of here!
FIGARO
Then youd better stay out of my way!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT
Out of here!
ANTONIO
Oh yeah, what will you do to me, toss me?
FIGARO
I will open your brains for display!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT
Out of here, get going!
(Antonio leaves.)
COUNT
Well, then...
COUNTESS
Thats right, its the pages commission!
SUSANNA
Cherubinos commission!
COUNT
Have courage!
FIGARO
Ah, such memory!
That theres the commission,
That the boy left with me on his way.
COUNT
Ah, but why, sir?
FIGARO
It needed...
COUNT
It needed?
COUNTESS
Him to sign it!
SUSANNA
Him to sign it!
COUNT
Your answer?
FIGARO
Its the custom...
COUNT
Are you wetting your pants, sir?
FIGARO
Its custom for you, sir, to sign it!
COUNT
This is maddening, but who is behind it?
They are hiding the whole thing from me.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
If I make it through turbulent weather,
Maybe its a safe landing for me.
FIGARO
Poor mans now reached the end of his tether,
Hes more in the dark even than me.
(Marcellina, Basilio, and Bartolo barge in.)
MARCELLINA, BASILIO, BARTOLO
Good Signore, we come for justice!
Say our legal case youll hear!
COUNT
This new plot twist is much more clever,
I just know it will bring me cheer!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Ah, despite our best endeavor,
They have come to interfere!
FIGARO
Would you look at these three stooges?
Have they come to entertain?
COUNT
Now without your subterfuges,
Well let everyone explain.
MARCELLINA
See the contract that hes signed here,
Its designed to be unbroken
With his promises unspoken,
And I want to make it clear!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
You are joking!
COUNT
Olá! Silenzio, silenzio, silenzio!
Well have justice, have no fear!
BARTOLO
As her lawyer, Ill defend her
And intend to publicize it
So the world will recognize him
As a scheming profiteer!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
Hes a liar, hes a liar!
COUNT
Olá! Silenzio, silenzio, silenzio!
Well have justice, have no fear!
BASILIO
As a man whos known for living
Well, Im giving testimony
That he promised matrimony
If he couldnt pay the dear!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
This is awful, cant you see that theyre all crazy?
COUNT
Olá! If you all still want to pursue it,
Give the contract me to me, Ill review it.
Ill be fair, if it takes all year.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
Now, confusion, agitation,
leads to our annihilation!
Surely Satan and his demons
Came from hell and brought them here!
MARCELLINA, BASILIO, COUNT, BARTOLO
See how truth itself exposes
Triumph right before our noses!
Some divine, angelic power
Safe from heaven brought us/them here!
End of ACT II