BARBARINA
I have lost it, I’m in trouble,
Ah, who knows where it could be?
I can’t find it, no one’s seen it,
I have lost it, what a lamebrain,
such an ending to such a day!
I’ve looked everywhere,
and it’s not anywhere,
what a lamebrain, what a numbskull,
such an ending to such a day!
And my dear cousin, and the Count,
what will they say?
Recitative
FIGARO
Barbarina, what’s up here?
BARBARINA
Ah, I’ve lost it, dear cousin.
FIGARO
Lost it?
MARCELLINA
Lost it?
BARBARINA
The straight pin that I got from his Lordship
to return to Susanna.
FIGARO
To Susanna? The straight pin?
BARBARINA
I don’t get it. Why are you yelling?
FIGARO
Oh, I only was joking.
Hey, look here, here is the straight pin
that the Count has given you to return to Susanna—
she used it to seal a little letter.
See—I know all about it.
BARBARINA
So why ask if you already know about it?
FIGARO
I was checking to see what his Lordship
assigned you as your mission.
BARBARINA
It was really funny:
“Hey, girly-girl, you take this straight pin straight back
to the lovely Susanna, and tell her,
I’ll meet her at the gazebo.”
FIGARO
Ah, the gazebo!
BARBARINA
And then he said this to me:
“Don’t let anyone else see you.”
So you won’t blab about this?
FIGARO
Oh, you can trust me.
BARBARINA
Because it’s really not your business.
FIGARO
Of course not—I’m cool.
BARBARINA
Addio, my kissing cousin.
Now to Susanna, and then my Cherubino!
(Barbarina exits.)
FIGARO
Mother!
MARCELLINA
My son!
FIGARO
I’m finished!
MARCELLINA
Just stay calm here, my poor baby.
FIGARO
I’m telling you, I’m finished!
MARCELLINA
Temper, temper, little lambkin—
I know it’s serious, and requires consideration,
but hold your horses before you act—
you don’t know who’s the joke here. (or: fall guy)
FIGARO
Ah, but that straight pin, oh Mother,
is how the Count will give me prick after prick!
MARCELLINA
Perhaps, but we don’t know for sure what’s happening.
You can be cautious and keep your eyes wide open,
but I think it would be a mistake to...
FIGARO
Well, then, I’m on guard: at least I know the place,
and I’ll be here waiting.
(He begins to exit.)
MARCELLINA
Where on earth are you going?
FIGARO
To avenge all hapless husbands! Addio!
(He exits.)
MARCELLINA
I’m going to Susanna. I believe she is innocent,
and whatever is going on around here,
I’ll bet she’s got it under control,
and leave it to the menfolk to create a disaster!
(She exits.)
(Barbarina enters.)
BARBARINA
Inside the gazebo, that’s what he told me, and I’m here.
Where is he? What if he stands me up?
(She hears Figaro coming.)
Oh, dang it!
(She exits into the gazebo.)
(Figaro enters.)
FIGARO
Ah, Barbarina...
(Hears Basilio, Bartolo, and Antonio coming.)
Who is that?
BASILIO
You told us to meet you out here.
BARTOLO
What frowns and faces! You look like a conspirator.
So tell us what the hell is going on around here?
FIGARO
You will soon see exactly.
Here in this lovely garden, we will celebrate
the union of my honorable wife
and our beloved Count.
BASILIO
(Ah, how delightful—I think I understand—
without me, they have reached a compromise.)
FIGARO
Spread out, remain inconspicuous, and stay within earshot.
And when I call you, I want you to come running.
(All but Figaro exit.)
FIGARO
Everything’s ready...
It must be getting close to time now...
I hear them coming! She’s with him!
No, it’s nothing.
Night of my wedding, and I’m already out here,
rehearsing for my role as the cuckolded husband!
That woman! At the moment of our wedding ceremony—
he was having her in writing—and seeing him, I...
I was mocking myself without knowing!
Oh, Susanna, Susanna, how much pain have you caused me?
Your honest, pure expression,
and your eyes so innocent,
how could they cause such sadness?
But trusting in a woman—a woman!—
that way lies madness!
Hey, sleepy heads, yes, you sirs—
Husbands are all such losers!
Wake up, and smell the womenfolk—
see what they really are,
smell what they really, really are!
You call them queen and goddess,
but you have lost your senses—
you worship false pretenses,
your souls have sunk so far.
They’re witches who cling to you
and bind you in pain.
They’re sirens who sing to you
and drive you insane.
They’re hawks who will hunt you down
and tear your heart to nothing.
They’re tarts who affront the town
while laughing at your suffering.
They’re roses but they’re thorny.
They’re foxes when they’re horny.
They’re death with warm embraces.
They’re doves with double faces,
deliberate confusion and massive delusion,
replying with lying,
but no love or feeling of pity from those,
no, no, no, no:
The rest, the rest is unspoken,
it’s what everyone already knows.
(He hides as Susanna, Marcellina, and the Countess enter.)
Recitative
SUSANNA
Signora, Marcellina told me that Figaro would be here...
MARCELLINA
And there he is—let’s be a bit more quiet.
SUSANNA
So, one is hiding, the other comes to find his true lover—
so let’s begin!
MARCELLINA
I’ll go and hide in here.
(She hides in the gazebo.)
SUSANNA
Madama, are you trembling? Perhaps you’re cold...
COUNTESS
The night seems very humid—I’ll come back later.
FIGARO
Here we are at the moment of decision!
SUSANNA
I think I’ll stay outside here; if Madama doesn’t need me,
I will get some fresh air for half an hour.
FIGARO
Some fresh air! Half hour!
COUNTESS
Stay as long as you like.
(Countess hides.)
SUSANNA
That idiot is watching; I couldn’t ask for better conditions
to repay him for his vile suspicions!
SUSANNA
Soon, the moment approaches when I’ll feel him possess me,
one flame from both our bodies!
I’m calm and happy, and nothing will prevent me
from surrendering all my soul to passion.
Oh, how this all—the beauty of this garden—
the stars above in heaven— respond to my affection.
Come, night, surround me, give me your dark protection.
Come quickly, do not wait, my beautiful lover,
come to my side concealed by night’s warm cover.
The moon is gone, she hides as if forbidden;
all is dark, and the nightingale is hidden.
Hear how the brook pours soothing murmurs streaming,
and the breezes still whisper, “You are dreaming:
your love comes slipping through the opening flowers—
there he waits for you, lying in fragrant bowers.”
Come now, my soul—dark night our love encloses.
Come now, and let me fold you into my arms with roses.
Recitative
FIGARO
Betrayer! Your practiced lying has my head spinning—
Am I awake or sleeping?
(Cherubino enters, singing.)
CHERUBINO
La la la...
COUNTESS
That’s Cherubino!
CHERUBINO
I hear someone, so I’ll go find my Barbarina.
Hey, that looks like a woman!
COUNTESS
Ah, what a nightmare!
CHERUBINO
Whoa, stupid—look at the costume, it’s a shepherdess,
so it has to be my Susannie!
COUNTESS
If the Count shows up now, I’ll lose my fanny!
CHERUBINO
Come, let’s put the world behind us—
Kiss me quick, let’s fool around!
COUNTESS
God, what if the Count should find us?
We would end up underground!
CHERUBINO
Susanetta...
You’re not speaking?
Through your hands I see you peeking...
I will tease you, really tease away your frown.
I will tease away your frown.
COUNTESS
Aggravation! Irritation!
Go away without a sound!
CHERUBINO
You won't admit
you're a hypocrite!
(or: You liar liar!
With your pants on fire!)
I know why you hang around!
COUNT
Where’s my girl, my lady shepherd?
SUSANNA, FIGARO
Here’s the wolf, and hear him bleating.
CHERUBINO
Don’t you treat me like a leper!
SUSANNA, COUNT, FIGARO
I can hear my heart a-beating...
Someone else is with her now?
COUNTESS
If you don’t leave now, I’m calling!
CHERUBINO
Come on, kiss me, and quit your stalling.
SUSANNA, COUNT, FIGARO
Sounds exactly like the pageboy...
COUNTESS
You can kiss my—You’re outrageous!
CHERUBINO
I should grab you just like the Count does.
Don’t you think that’s more than fair?
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT, FIGARO
That’s outrageous! That’s disgusting!
CHERUBINO
Oh, quit your acting—I heard lots behind that chair!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT, FIGARO
If that bounder hangs around here,
All my plans won’t have a prayer.
CHERUBINO
Kiss me quick, babe...
(The Count steps forward between them and Cherubino kisses him.)
COUNTESS
Good God, my husband!
CHERUBINO
I kissed his lordship!
(Cherubino runs into the gazebo.)
FIGARO
I can’t see what’s happening there...
(He sneaks up to where the Count is standing.)
COUNT
I can stop this kissing quicker if I kick your derriere!
(The Count kicks Figaro’s butt.)
FIGARO
Ha, this feeling’s unappealing,
’s what I get for going there.
COUNT
Ha, my dealing sent him reeling,
that will teach him to beware.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Ha, his kneeling’s quite revealing,
how he’s bungled this affair.
(Figaro retreats.)
COUNT
At last that fool’s departed,
so now, my dear, come closer.
COUNTESS
Oh, sir, you’re so kind-hearted,
I will not hesitate.
FIGARO
What a splendid piece of womanhood,
What a fine, obedient mate!
COUNT
Give me your hand, we’re already there—
COUNTESS
Yes, take me there!
COUNT
My teddy-bear...
FIGARO
His teddy-bear!
COUNT
Such dainty little fingers,
your skin’s aroma lingers,
I’m tenderly surrendering
to this new passion’s flame!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO
He’s blinded by his senses
and leaves himself defenseless
and plunges straight to shame!
COUNT
Now, for your dowry, darling,
let’s add this little nothing,
(He gives her a ring)
a token of my loving,
and yours, of course, the same.
COUNTESS
Sweet lord, I am your debtor,
my lord in more than name...
SUSANNA, COUNT, FIGARO
Oh, this is getting better,
and more’s left in the game!
COUNTESS
I think someone has seen us here,
perhaps we need to leave...
COUNT
So follow me, my Venus, dear,
and let me take the lead...
SUSANNA, FIGARO
Watch this, you foolish husbands,
the lesson that you need.
COUNTESS
It’s dark in there, my Lordship...
COUNT
And just the way I like it—
It’s not as if we’ll need a light,
we’re not in there to read!
FIGARO
The bitch is flat out giving me
the evidence I need!
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
The whole thing’s going swimmingly,
our plan can now proceed.
(Figaro makes noise as if approaching.)
COUNT
(disguising his voice)
Who’s out there?
FIGARO
You can bite me!
COUNTESS
It’s Figaro! I’m gone!
(The Countess goes into the gazebo.)
COUNT
I’ll catch you later, when he is gone...
(The Count leaves.)
FIGARO
A picture of tranquility—
our lovely Venus waiting here,
with Mars to start embracing here,
but I, Vulcan, come to trap them here:
I’ll have them by the throat.
SUSANNA
(enters, disguising her voice as the Countess)
Hey, Figaro! You hush there!
FIGARO
Ah, here’s the poor Contessa!
You don’t know whom you’re shushing—
I’m blushing to confess it,
your husband and my Susanna,
you force me to be candid:
one hand could touch them both.
SUSANNA
(forgetting to disguise her voice)
Do not attract attention!
I’ll help you with your vengeance,
I swear to you my oath.
FIGARO
(Susanna!)
You want vengeance?
SUSANNA
Sì!
FIGARO
How then? You have my full attention.
SUSANNA
The villain thinks he’s trapping me,
but I will trap him first.
FIGARO
I know she thinks she’s trapping me,
her scheme will be reversed.
(Kneels before her.)
Think, Madame, how they serve us!
SUSANNA
Get up, you make me nervous!
FIGARO
Ah, Madama!
SUSANNA
Get up, you make me nervous!
FIGARO
See how I kneel before you,
my passion has me sweating,
and you can’t be forgetting
your husband’s new supplier!
SUSANNA
This jerk is getting slappable!
FIGARO
It’s hard to stay unflappable!
(or: This situation’s laughable!)
SUSANNA
Such madness, I’m on fire!
FIGARO
Such madness I admire!
SUSANNA
But what if there’s no affection?
FIGARO
I’ll settle for respect, hon,
but otherwise just screw it!
Give me your hand, let’s do it—
give me your hand—
SUSANNA
Oh, here’s my hand, signor!
(or: Oh, help yourself, signor!)
(Slaps him, and keeps slapping him)
FIGARO
You hit me!
SUSANNA
“You hit me!”
How’s this sir?
Here, have another!
Another! It’s worth repeating!
FIGARO
Okay, enough of beating!
SUSANNA
My treat, you filthy scumbag!
No, come back—
I'm sure you need one more!
FIGARO
Oh, blows bestowed so lovingly,
from one whom I adore!
SUSANNA
You go and try to cheat on me,
I’ll settle up the score!
FIGARO
Sorry, darling, for acting so rudely,
and I know you were trying to fool me,
but your lovely voice gave you away.
SUSANNA
Didn’t fool you?
FIGARO
You were clueless, and truly,
SUSANNA, FIGARO
Sorry, darling, for acting so rudely,
sorry, more than mere words can convey,
sorry, only my love can convey.
COUNT
(Off.)
Where the hell is she? I’ve been all over...
SUSANNA, FIGARO
Once again, here’s our wandering lover...
COUNT
Hey, Susanna!
You speechless... and deaf now?
SUSANNA
Good—he still doesn’t know whom he left now!
FIGARO
Who?
SUSANNA
Madama!
FIGARO
Madama?
SUSANNA
Madama!
SUSANNA, FIGARO
While we still have some self-respect left here,
let’s conclude the last act of our play,
come, let’s finish what’s left of our play.
FIGARO
(Kneels before her, exaggeratedly.)
Ah, Madama, your ass is the cutest...
COUNT
That’s the Countess!
And I’ve nothing to shoot with!
FIGARO
Will you let me on you kisses lavish?
SUSANNA
Here I am, I am yours now to ravish!
COUNT
It’s a scandal! Appalling!
SUSANNA, FIGARO
Come, beloved, the darkness is calling,
let’s enjoy all the pleasures of love.
COUNT
(Calling the others)
Hey, you idiots, come help me!
FIGARO
Ah, my master!
(Susanna runs into the gazebo.)
COUNT
Get the lead out, move your asses!
FIGARO
Ah, disaster!
BASILIO, DON CURZIO, ANTONIO, BARTOLO
(Entering)
What’s the matter? What’s the matter?
COUNT
He’s a seducer, liar too, sir,
I’ll shame you, sir,
and in front of everyone!
BASILIO, DON CURZIO, ANTONIO, BARTOLO
How amazing, eyebrow-raising,
thank the Lord he has no gun!
FIGARO
They’re amazed now, eyebrows raised now,
What a scene, and oh, what fun!
COUNT
(Goes to gazebo, reaches in, pulls.)
In vain you resist me—
They’ll know now, Madama,
whom else you have kissed, be
no longer concealed!
(Pulls out Cherubino.)
The pageboy!
(Pulls out Barbarina.)
ANTONIO
My daughter!
(The Count pulls out Marcellina.)
FIGARO
My mama!
(The Count pulls out Susanna.)
BASILIO, DON CURZIO, ANTONIO, BARTOLO, FIGARO
Madama!
COUNT
Oh, spare us the drama,
your shame is revealed!
SUSANNA
(Kneeling.)
Perdono, perdono!
COUNT
No, no, I will never!
(or: don't expect it!)
FIGARO
(Kneeling.)
Perdono, perdono!
COUNT
No, no, whatsoever!
(or: I reject it!)
ALL
(Kneeling.)
Perdono!
COUNT
No!
ALL
Perdono!
COUNT
No!
ALL
Perdono!
COUNT
No! No, no, no, no, no!
COUNTESS
(Appears and kneels behind the others)
Perhaps one more voice will convince you, though.
BASILIO, DON CURZIO, COUNT, ANTONIO, BARTOLO
It can’t be! My senses
have left me defenseless!
The truth of it all, I don’t know!
COUNT
Rosina, perdono! Perdono, perdono!
COUNTESS
Now it’s you asking pardon,
but I won’t say no.
ALL
Now all are contented
because you say so.
What a day, with all tormented!
Day of fools and night of madness!
In a world of sin and sadness,
only love can set us straight!
All right now, let’s party all night without slowing,
so let’s get those fireworks going!
Take my hand, my friends and lovers,
all together celebrate!
(Fireworks & finis.)